The Quiet Evolution of Self as I Journey to Fifty

I am intrigued by my memory. Is she fading? I will call her ‘she’ as my spiritual angels are visualized to be females. Women have played a major role in my life. But on this, I will write sometime in the future.

Now, coming back to my forgetfulness, it’s five months after my accident, which involved two fractures, two surgeries, and a 4-month recovery. I still use a walking stick, a reminder of the pain I went through since August 2023. However, when I try to recall the emotions I felt while lying in bed at the hospital and then at home, I find them elusive.

I lay straight on my back for 3 months. It was painful and mentally straining, but yet I am not able to remember or feel the emotions I had then. This is new to me, as in the past, before the year 2016, I could recall the emotions, including traumatic ones, and I could feel them physically – the same exhaustion, hunger, worry, tension, etc.

Is this a symptom of a fading memory as I approach another three years to turn 50?

I returned to ‘my’ ChatGPT, and ‘she’ replies that it is ‘emotional fading.’ When I searched the web, I found a term called FAB (Fading Affect Bias). According to Wikipedia, FAB is a psychological phenomenon in which memories associated with negative emotions tend to be forgotten more quickly than those associated with positive emotions.

Since FAB only refers to the feelings one has associated with the memories and not the content of the memories themselves, I may have no symptoms of forgetfulness. And maybe this is a blessing. I can live worry-free and release myself from my negative and traumatic past events.

It’s unbelievable since I am called ‘a sensitive guy’ by my parents, colleagues, and bosses. Is it that as I age, the scale of sensitivity becomes more resilient to events, circumstances, and emotions associated?

As a child, even a movie watched on Sunday made me feel the emotions displayed by actors, especially the sad endings, until the next day. Today, I am carefree and enjoying the feel of it.

Some of you may say this is like you getting seasoned, just like any other human does. Nothing special about this. Some achieve this state of mind as a child. In fact, it’s surprising you had to turn 47 years old to feel so.

Will some of you really say so? Please don’t.

As you reflect on these words, I invite you not to dismiss the shifts as mere aging but to consider how incremental changes, much like the atomic habits we cultivate, shape our emotional landscape and life’s trajectory. Embrace each day as an opportunity to evolve, letting go of burdens and welcoming new joys and resilience.